Episode 1


November 2009
updated December 2010


Professor Homer slumped into her armchair in the staff room. It had been a long day and she needed a drink.

Three hours she'd spent at the funny farm, talking to Woolas and his doctors. The poor man was convinced that Joanna Lumley was stalking him.

The doctors said one more appearance on Newsnight like last week's could send him over the edge completely. Then who would the Agency get to front for them? Meg Hillier? Oh God! Time for another drink.

If only they could track down the wretched Lumley woman and bring her into custody. But she kept a very low profile, hardly ever appearing on the television or in the papers or on radio or the stage or film sets or pantomimes or country fairs and the only picture they had of her was from 30 years ago, in The Avengers. The useless face recognition technology couldn't work with anything more than five minutes old. These Muggles are good at shape-shifting.

She reached forward to pick up a copy of Border Protection Magic just as someone else took it off the coffee table. She looked up. "Who are you?", she said, noticing for the first time Professor Lahood, the new Director of Identity Management at the Agency.

"I'm Alex Lahood, the new Director of Identity Management at the Agency. Sorry, would you like to read the paper first?"

"No, it's alright, I just thought I'd see if there's anything on this latest cock-up in Australia. My poor unfortunate colleagues over there seem to have gone mad and installed MagicGates for border protection."

Lahood blushed. How could he tell her?

"Ma'am", he finally stammered, "as a matter of fact, so have we. As Director of Identity Management, I have authorised the use of MagicGates at 10 UK airports now. We should be able to fire all the staff and save a fortune."

He never knew what hit him.

Professor Homer was famous for decisive action.

Before being translated into an Identity Manager, Lahood's experience had been entirely in the field of alcohol abuse. He was actually promoted by mistake. A mistake which Professor Homer rectified with a flick of her wand.

Moments later, he was the latest wart on Nellie the hog, the chief attraction at the Agency's children's farm, and Professor Homer was racing through the corridors of power to find the headmaster, Professor Normington. What on earth was going on? She wanted answers ...

First published: The Register, No2ID

3 December 2010 – Phil Woolas says legal fight has hit 'end of the road':

Former Labour MP Phil Woolas has admitted defeat in his battle to overturn a court ruling which stripped him of his Commons seat.
"It is the end of the road - I am out," the former immigration minister said as he left the High Court.
It means a by-election in his Oldham East and Saddleworth is likely soon.
Mr Woolas narrowly won the seat in May but the result was declared void by an election court which ruled he had lied about his Lib Dem rival.

David Moss has spent seven years campaigning against the Home Office's ID card scheme.